UNPAUSED.

looking back, I’m still not sure how I got here. they’re not lying when they said that time flies. I stumbled across this old blog of mine while I was mid-working and I ended up spending my 8 hours sitting in front of my laptop, trying to revive whatever’s left. while I was doing so, I once again stumbled across my much older blog, it was called ‘Scripturient’, “oh what a pure soul” was what came into my mind as I clicked on each post. it was raw, beautifully written with tons of grammatical errors but it doesn’t matter, hey? when did we become this big of a critique towards ourselves when all we ever did was just being true to one’s self? when did we care so much about how we move, how we talk, how we express out feelings–when it’s only ours?

I’ve always been a writer at heart for the longest time I can remember and until this day, thankfully, I still am. but what changes? I would say a lot. I remember being able to write about literally anything, those ideas come rushing in my mind without any feeling to prove myself to anyone. sometimes I shared to my classmates and made them read what I wrote, they love it, they cried because of it–and those human expressions satisfies me a lot. I don’t think that I’m a good writer, never even claimed myself to be one (until today), I feel like I am more of a story teller. but somewhere along the way, I forgot where I left my suitcase of innocence and all of the sudden the world rotates the other way and everything begin to fall apart. I lost myself, a couple of hundred times, over and over again. and in between ego and death, I chose nothing. I leave it all behind, tearing apart the image of myself that I’ve had since I started writing, the dream that floats further and further as I ran to chase it but failed. I tried making peace with the situation but the situation never brings me peace–it was all or nothing and sadly, I had to give it all up in exchange for something that I don’t even truly ‘want’, and it’s called adulting.

something about going through the road of adulting will forever leave a mark in my heart. I believe that it’s a mark of regret mixed with teenage anger and disappointments, that later on dries up and become another birthmark for encountering the version of you that you never thought would meet. and then life happens. life flew by like a thief, it’ll all be gone the moment you blink. life happens and it reminds me that the world isn’t filled with sunshine and rainbows, that in order for you to ‘live in peace’ is to leave leave behind pieces of you that no longer serves you; your old mindsets and the obsession to fix yourself. you gotta make peace with yourself, and then suddenly, the sun shines brighter and the moon smiles wider. the wind whispers softly to your ears as you earned back the ‘innocence’ that you’ve lost along the way, not because you are able to turn back time, but because the train is catching up to you who are stopping in a moment to look back and really, truly, appreciate every steps that you’ve took cause it’s not–no–it’s never an easy road to begin with and yet, here you are, making all parts of you proud.

I wrote this blog-post called ‘2017‘, the last line that I wrote really get me today (in 2025); “I wrote this at 2018 so there might be some precious thing that I will forget to mention but will still be in this heart.” it’s crazy how that simple line could bring so much emotions to me today. it’s been 8 damn years since that day and I am today years old when I found out how much I’ve grown. not only physically but mentally, I don’t remember when was the last time that I ‘write for the sake of writing’. after a never-ending life events that hit me in the face over and over again, I become a much bitter person. I no longer laugh like there is no tomorrow, everything is thoroughly calculated. never too much, always keep me to myself, never show too much, always content. mixed feeling between becoming an adult and really forgetting myself–who I truly am–just because I need to move at the speed of light cause the world won’t stop spinning just because you are; until I realize that I have the capability to make a pit-stop and take my time. which is what I’ve been doing these past 2 months. doesn’t really sound productive but I believe that at some point, everyone will need this too–to choose yourself once again, over the feeling of missing out. cause you can jump back on the train whenever you’re ready, but if you don’t make it to your stop, you might lose the chance to do so until it passes your stop again.

one time, I met a stranger from an app and in the middle of our philosophical-random-talk, after I shared a part of me that I’ve buried deep in my mind, he asked me this question that I carried until this day: “who are you before all of your trauma? what do you think she would be doing if that traumatizing thing didn’t happen to her? have you visited her again? you should. sit with her, she’s probably been waiting for you.” and that really got me, you know? cause she would definitely become a big blogger it those thing never happens, she probably still in her clean-minimalist era on Instagram and inspires people with her aesthetic-ocd eye–and he’s right, I haven’t been visiting her for some time now but tonight, with this, I will. oh how lonely it must’ve felt for her, being left not knowing why exactly did we stop writing all at once without any explanation nor me trying to soothe that loneliness... but I am here right now. I still can’t believe that I am back, right here, writing again. and although I feel like this coming-back post is just me going around with my thoughts, I still am glad that I do so.

somewhere along the way I’ve unpublished and lowkey deleted that old rusty blog of mine, 19 years old me probably cringed so hard when I encounter that blog, that’s why she’s so quick to delete it. luckily, some part of me knows that I would love to have a collection of my past memories so I still have some of it with me and the soon-to-be 25 years old me don’t want to dim the 16 years old in me anymore so although it’s cringe-y, I would like to put my old foot-prints here; cause without her, I won’t be here right now. and I do miss her sometimes, a part of me that has my back all these years. I hope you’re proud of who I am becoming.

https://litaniaxzhou.wordpress.com/category/feeling/
https://www.wattpad.com/user/LitaniaZhou

p.s, I just checked and my online book “HIM” got 6k views and “HER” got 7.7k views!! I’m really proud of my 16 years old self. don’t forget to visit those voices in your head too, sometimes all they wanted was for us to remember that they existed and remind them that they’re safe.